Le Cat
by lala32903
Summary: Dave and John meet Davecat and Johncat! Dave Drunkness, marriage and other shenanigans Collab with ArlkatThePillowfighter
1. In which Cats

**Collab of random crack, came up with this at some point. Was meant to be a role-play, but mutated into this. Reviews?**

EB: sup dave?

Dave groaned, sitting up. He must have passed out. Was he drinking? Maybe. Probably not. He looked around his room, and something blue sat up in his lap. Startled, he jumped backwards, but it just kept staring at him. It was blue, all blue, with little square glasses and blue eyes, and buckteeth. Weird - wait. "John?" He asked, and the cat meowed. "Oh. My god. John, you're a wizard, aren't you?"

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out, squinting at the screen. His thumbs flew across the screen as he answered, stumbling a bit. "TG: dont pkay coy with me eggnog i know your a wizard"

John looked at the text his friend had just sent, and did one of those epic face palms. Dirk would be so proud.

Sighing at his friends antics, he decided to go along with his friends antics. Because Drunk Dave was almost as cute and annoying as trickster dave.

slowly, deliberately, he replied."EB: yes. yes dave, i am a lizard. im watching you from your lap as we speak. text."

The irony of Johns text, was that a cat that looked exactly like him in his god tier clothes was staring at Dave from his lap. Dave being the drunken strider he was, decided that the cat was, in fact, a lizard and that it was his best friend. Suddenly calmed by this, he began stroking the lizards fur with one hand, and then replying to Johns text with the other.

Dave read John's text and looked back down at the cat - no, lizard in his lap. Apparently it is John himself. He shrugs, accepting it in his slightly drunken state. "TG: oh so thats you i thoyght it was a cat huh"

John, reading his friends text, asked himself a question.

Did Dave actually have a cat on his lap?

Shrugging to himself, he spat out a quick, very false text with his left hand while his right wandered to the delicious cup of coffee hat was situated in front of him."EB:no, im a lizard! you said it yourself and seeing as you didnt want me to lie to you i decided to tell you the truth. its also why you didn't see me for three years: i was at hogwarts school of lizardry."

Dave stares at his screen for a few minutes. "Wait..." "TG: wait man r u fuckin with me do i actuly hav a cat on m lap w**" The cat looked up at him and he decided to send john a pic of it. "TG: its a godamn cat john and its you"

John looked at the picture Dave had just sent him, and laughed at the irony. The cat really did look like him, buck-teeth and all. So if that was what he looked like as a cat, then he looked adorable!

The cat twitched its ears and blinked, lying down in his lap and purring. Even in his more-than-semi-drunk state, he aww'd and petted it. "TG: dude you should really come over an see it is cute"

Suddenly, the cat began papping the phone, seeing it as its newest toy. Dave aww'd again, and let him play while waiting for John to reply.

Meanwhile, John was debating whether or not Dave had, in fact, faked the photo. As a Strider, he was practically the King of Computing shit, and therefore able to photoshop something like that really quickly. However, he has to take into account the fact that Dave was drunk. In which case, there really was a cat just like him!

After seeing the Strider's most recent text, he made up his mind to brave the terror that was Drunk Dave, and headed to the car, whilst replying to his friend

"GG: I'm on my way there, don't kill the cat before i get there!"

He didn't even read the text on his phone, instead using it as a toy for the cat, completely oblivious of the John shortly about to arrive. "Hehe, meow-meow, john kitty?"

The john-kitty looked up from his game, obviously thinking that this bigger being was just a strange cat, as he had just heard the larger being speak in perfect cat language, "Salutations, general."

"Meow meow mew meow. Meow meow?" He continues obliviously just randomly meowing, although watching the cat's slightly confused expression.

John Kitty, the phone ignored, listened in as the soldier(He decided to call him this just to give him a name) decided to converse more.

"I believe you are in a state of shock, as to being referred to using your previous title. Your opinion?"

At this point, John was at the front door and decided it was a good idea to knock on Dave's front door.

He heard the knock, getting up with a quick, "Meow mew mew me-meow." As he went to go answer the door. He certainly looks drunk, knocking something loud over as he does so with a flourish. "Johnny, hi, whatre you doin here?"

John, after looking over his friends state of being, rolls his eyes and shoves Dave back into his house, before one of the neighbours noticed. Looking into the living room, he squealed in delight as he spotted a cat that looked EXACTLY like him in God-tier garbs. Quickly shutting the door behind him, he grabbed Dave by the back of his collar, dumped him on the floor nearby, and grabbed john-kitty, immediately snuggling him and showering his with aww's and high-pitched squeals. He then switched to his God-Tier garbs, for reasons only John could properly explain.

Meanwhile, the cat looked back at John very confused. Surely he was the cat worthy of wearing the royal blue? Apparently not, as the bigger version of him decided to show them off, along with floating himself off the ground. But the cat, being the nice cat he was, decided to take this as a compliment, that others would cosplay as him. After all, the other cat had asked for his blessing to mate with this copy-cat of his, so why not?

Dave, having been shoved around in favor of a cat, was really not happy with this new situation. He glared up at John from his spot on the floor, meowing sullenly to himself with his arms crossed.

Another cat finds his way into the room, strutting along with a bit of a dance in his step as he nods his head to music no one else can hear. Dave, being Drunk Dave, gave the pure-white cat awesome tiny shades and a little retro vinyl shirt because hell yes. Dave Cat surveys the room as he walks, finding his way to the human that is his counterpart and parking in his lap in a flashstep. "Meow."

OH LOOK POV CHANGE!

John cat, whilst being coddled by the other, bigger him, was confused at the Big-Cat's request.

"I know this is sudden, general, but can you marry me and my mate? He's coming over soon, and I think that would be splendid."

John cat was very confused. Surely only captains of ships could do that? Shrugging to himself, he decided to go through with this. About to start the ceremony, he noticed another cat, except this one looked a lot like the Big Cat, and a lot more sexy in cat terms-NO. Bad John cat. He inwardly berated himself at those homosexual thoughts. Although... Just because he couldn't mate, doesn't mean he couldn't ogle, right?

Davecat looks up at Johncat, giving him a cat-smirk and meowing up at Dave, who looks startled to understand - just what has he been drinking w** - before leaping up onto John's shoulder and staring down at him. "Meow meow."

Dave looks up at the three of them. He crosses his arms again. Why did John get all the love and attention? DVAE NEDS ATTENSHUN 2 B***.

John, noticing a certain drunken Strider, smiled knowingly to himself as said Strider began pouting. Gently pushing both the cats onto the floor, he crawled onto all fours, rolled onto his back, and meowed adorably at Dave. Seeing this opportunity, Dave smiled and lifted John onto his lap from where he was on the floor.

"Meow meow John."

**And thus ends the crack for now!**

**again, reviews?**


	2. And then Johns in Denial(RAINBOWS)

Davecat sits, curling his tail around his paws as he looks over at Johncat. "Meow. Meow Dave meow..." he paws the floor. "Purr."

Dave smiles, meowing back at John and ruffling his hair. Damn he's cute.

The cats, after observing this adorable display of the bigger beings(because obviously they find our shenanigans adorable)decided to marry them

Davecat would be the ceremonial meowbeast of fortune, standing on both of their heads at once, and Johncat would be the pastor to marry them and stuff.

Dave wondered what the f*** the cat was doing on his head. What?

"Meow moew mrow meow purrr. Meaow?"

Translation for Johncats talk:

Do you, dear soldier, take this other being as your mate?

Meanwhile, John and Dave were too busy aww'ing over the adorable that were on their heads and in front of them.

"Hey Dave."

"yeus?"

"Have you noticed that john cat looks like he's marrying us?"

"dunno man, I mean, what kind of marriage needs one cat on top of both their heads to get married?"

"Say yes."

"Meow."

The irony of that was that yes, they were being married by a former cat-general and a ceremonial meow beast of fortune.

Davecat, because he's Dave but as a cat, suddenly finds a craving for AJ and walks off the moment drunk Dave, because this is a proper cat marriage goddamnit kisses the John.

"I now pronounce you mate and other mate." Meows Johncat,

Meanwhile, John is a bit overwhelmed at the fact that Dave is kissing him cause he's not a homosexual and-GODDAMMIT STOP IT.

He suddenly tries to push Dave away, but Dave, in his drunken state, decides to shift to hugging him, and a conversation between the two happens.

"JooOooohn we're married now, so we have to keep kissing!"

"Da-Get off!-I'm not gay!"

"Like hell you aren't."

"Dude! seriously! I'm not gay!"

At that point, Dave is becoming a bit sober, and decided to shut John up with another kiss.

And then it deepens.

IT KEEPS HAPPENING!

and then Johncat, after looking at their shenanigans for a while, decides to follow dave cat to the kitchen.

The irony of that was that yes, they were being married by a former cat-general and a ceremonial meow beast of fortune.

Davecat, because he's Dave but as a cat, suddenly finds a craving for AJ and walks off the moment drunk Dave, because this is a proper cat marriage goddamnit kisses the John.

"I now pronounce you mate and other mate." Meows Johncat,

Meanwhile, John is a bit overwhelmed at the fact that Dave is kissing him cause he's not a homosexual and-GODDAMMIT STOP IT.

He suddenly tries to push Dave away, but Dave, in his drunken state, decides to shift to hugging him, and a conversation between the two happens.

"JooOooohn we're married now, so we have to keep kissing!"

"Da-Get off!-I'm not gay!"

"Like hell you aren't."

"Dude! seriously! I'm not gay!"

At that point, Dave is becoming a bit sober, and decided to shut John up with another kiss.

And then it deepens.

IT KEEPS HAPPENING!

and then Johncat, after looking at their shenanigans for a while, decides to follow dave cat to the kitchen.


End file.
